I've come to the realization that I spent most of my energy not taken by work, or work, or theatre, consumed with relationships.  I'm either figuring out how to get into one, how to get out of one, how to get over one, and why I'm not in one.And I know you're reading this, going "Oh, great, here he goes again..." and are preparing to go back to your newsfeed, or at the very least, grimacing because you know I'm going to say the same thing I always say when I go on one of these tirades...and I'm sorry, because you're mostly right.  Lesbi-honest, if you had a nickel for every time I've said "I'm done!" or "I'm never dating again" or "I'm just taking some time for myself", well, most of you would be millionaires (especially if you just had one for every time I've thought one of those things.)

What I need is to figure out how to stick to my guns whenever I get into that line of thought.  Usually what happens is, I'll stick to it for a certain amount of time, and then I think "Oh....it couldn't hurt to just see what's out there..." and before you know it, the cycle starts all over again.  For some of that, it's just how I'm hard-wired.  I have wanted to be in love before I even really knew what it meant.  And you would think, given some of the bullsh*t I've been through, that I would finally say "enough is enough; this isn't meant for me, no matter how much I want it."  But no.  I keep on.

A good friend and I were discussing being rejected theatrically versus being rejected romantically, and it finally clicked for me when I said to her "If I'm rejected for a role, I'm rejected as an actor.  If I'm rejected romantically, I'm rejected as an entire person."  You can agree or disagree; it's just how it looks in my head.  I feel like I'm doing anything and everything I can to make it happen.  I've "put myself out there."  I've "stopped looking."  I've been set up with friends of friends.  I've tried online dating.  I've asked out perfect strangers.  I even went on one straight-up blind date (well, it was blind for me; he'd seen me in a show but I had no idea what he looked like, or anything.) I have leapt without looking, dived right in and went with the moment.  I have sat and carefully considered each and every piece of new information to make sure I was making the right choice.  I've met some really great guys, and some real jerks, and some great guys who acted like jerks at the end.  I've gone with my gut, and I've given it time.  And yet, I still feel like what I want is impossible, because I want there to be mutual attraction, mutual respect, and mutual feelings...and here I sit, table for one.

So, at risk of having to eat my words (although sometime I wonder if I say them so often so I will HAVE to eat them later), it's time for me to get serious about putting my money where my mouth is.  Because I can't keep feeling badly about myself for being single, or being rejected, and I can't keep feeling like I'm annoying people or being a real drag because I'm upset because I'm single or being treated poorly in a relationship.  I don't know what the answer is--not true...the answer would be for me to meet someone where everything lines up (not EVERYTHING, just the major stuff) and we're on the same page at the same time--but I need to figure it out anyway.