Clarity

I thought it would be easier.

I thought I would bury the hatchet, make my peace, and that would be that.

But no, you had to take it to the next level and try to worm your way back into my life.  Except you expected me to do all the work, and to take whatever crumbs you would throw my way.  And the moment there was the least bit of resistance, that was all she wrote.

I found myself getting incredibly jealous and angry this afternoon because of posts popping up in my feed in regards to your event.  I'm jealous because so many people think you're just wonderful, and while I know you can be wonderful, I feel like the kid at the end of "The Emperor's New Clothes" yelling--SPOILER ALERT--that the emperor is naked.  But that doesn't stop people from staying in your good graces...and the more I type this, the more I realize it isn't about you at all, but it's about me.

It's about me not being happy with myself, with feeling like just because people aren't clamoring to be a part of my events or saying "hey, we'd really like you to be a part of this*" that it means something is wrong with me.  And that is just not true.

So, as is typical of these posts, I find myself changing thoughts midstream, and reminding myself that just because I'm not a part of the "in" crowd doesn't mean I'm any less of a person.  And while it does stink to feel left out, I really have to stop and consider the overall situation, and to think of all the things I *do* have.  I don't hate you and I don't think you're an awful person.  I just realize that the cost of being a part of your group is not worth my self-respect.


*as I was typing that, I realized I was incorrect, because there is a group that has, on more than one occasion, said specifically to me "hey, we'd really like you to be a part of this" and I'm always happy to oblige if I can.  So, I'm self-correcting.