Whoops.

I made a big mistake yesterday.  (And in retrospect, I don't even know why I did it.  But if I were looking to cast a pall on the rest of my day, that did the trick.)

For some unfathomable reason (we'll go with morbid curiosity,) I decided to unblock my ex on Facebook.  Now, we have not been in contact since he pulled his second disappearing act.  No, the blocking was so that I would stop torturing myself by visiting his page; never mind the fact that I can only see his profile picture and whatever asinine comments people leave on them, just seeing when he'd changed it was enough to send me into a downward spiral. ("How DARE he have a life without me?")

And sure enough, as soon as that face popped up, I reopened all sorts of old wounds.  I am reminded of a crass, but fitting, expression about how you can't put the poop back into the goose.  I couldn't unfeel those feelings, I couldn't not see that face and how it is familiar yet strange all at the same time, and thanks to some stupid Facebook rule, I couldn't block him for 48 hours.  (I really think there needs to be an override option for exes.)

I spent the rest of the day and night in a foul mood.  I was angry, with myself and with him.  But more importantly, I was hurt.  I joked above about feeling like he shouldn't have a life without me, but the joke carries a lot of truth.  It hurt to see that he is still out having fun and living it up, when everything he told me--possibly going all the way back to the very beginning--was a lie.  It's not fair.  He had made a comment on it about how his lunch companion only had a few more minutes before they had to be back to work, which immediately set me jumping to conclusions about him probably having someone new (which also is not fair, considering I was the one who got dumped.)  It was just a mess in my brain.

But if you know me, or have read this for any length of time, then you know that I analyze everything.  And I kept trying to get to the root of why it hurt so badly.  People get dumped.  We only dated for six weeks.  He truly exhibits Narcissistic and even sociopathic behaviors.  And like a 3D "Magic Eye" picture, it finally came to me when I relaxed for a moment.

It hurt because it proves my fear, that guys that I like don't actually like me.  That guys will say things like:

"you're wonderful"

"there is only one you"

"you're sexy and amazing and I'm glad you're my boyfriend"

"I love you"

...but not really mean them.  I have pointed out to friends guys that I have had crushes on, or have found attractive, and it is usually followed up with "even if he were gay, guys like that are never interested in guys like me."  And this most recent dating foray (from ten months ago--almost a year already!) is the biggest, most prevalent example I have of that being true.

If I go back to my last serious relationship, he, too, proved time and again that he did not really love me.  I think he loved the idea of me, but actual-me?  No.  And I'm at the point where whenever someone tells me he likes me or is interested in me, whether or not I'm interested back, I don't believe them.  There is always a catch.  There is always an ulterior motive.  There is always a time when they no longer mean what they say (provided they ever meant it at all.)  There is always a time when the mask gets removed, the plot twist is revealed, and the house of cards comes crashing down.  And it sucks, because clearly other people have healthy, working, long-lasting relationships.

I suppose the benefit to this is that now I can stop worry about it.  I can stop chasing something that clearly is not meant for me.  They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting different results.  So, let's stop that crazy ride now and save time, disappointment, and heartbreak in the long run, yeah?