Heart. Less.

I think I am done caring.  I think that trying to be a good person, a polite person, a friendly, "hey, I'm here if you ever need to talk" person, has left me tapped out.  I honestly don't think I have anything left to give.  And right now, I'm completely okay with that.

I'm not a perfect person by any means, and I hope I never come across as someone who thinks he is perfect.  But I try very hard to be a good friend to people, to be personable and helpful...and it seems lately that no one really cares if you're helpful or not, until they need something.  But once you fulfill whatever need they have, you're done...until the next time.  I realize that to an extent, we are ALL guilty of this, and I try my best to not be that kind of person.  But damn, it sucks.

My therapist has mentioned on more than one occasion that she feels it was my kind heart that attracted T to me, and that caused him to show me the person he wanted me to see instead of the soulless subhumanoid he is.  I think that there could be something to that, as loathe as I am to admit that I was a bit of a sitting duck for whatever bullshit games he wanted to play.  And I don't know how to keep that part of myself from shining through so that others who are of the same mindset cannot use it to their own twisted advantage.

I have frequently felt that I am a living example of nice guys finishing last.  I'm the one that people know they can depend on, but the rest of the time, well, I might as well get stuffed.  So...the hell with it.  I'm tired of being a doormat, of being disposable, of feeling tattered and scarred.  This dependable guy is shutting it down.  If being an openhearted, caring, lovely person only gets you used and not respected, not appreciated, (because in the long run, who really wants a nice guy?), then screw it.  I'm done.

As one of my favorite musicals says,


Alright, enough! So be it! So be it, then.
Let all Oz be agreed: I'm wicked through and through...